Thursday, April 18, 2013

My Basement Flooded

I woke up at 5:40 as I always do. I slept like shit because of all the storms and rain last night. I go about my business;  shower and shave and all that. I'm about to leave to head to the train station, already considering WFH because I see the trains are fucked up online, I decide to check the basement. It's like 6:50 am. I open the basement door and there it is, a big ass puddle. I watch it for a second to see if it's still or growing, it reaches my feet in a few seconds.

After moving a few boxes I run upstairs to let Dawn know what's up, on the way up I send my first email. She's brushing her teeth and mumbles something unintelligible with a panicked look on her face. I run back downstairs. Dawn rallies the kids out of bed and we start hauling boxes and shit out up as fast as we can. Lots of boxes are soaked at the bottom, but most stuff is still pretty dry. We start checking out the "rest" of the basement. The water I saw was in the storage area where our furnace, water heater and sump pump are. Turns out, there's fucking water everywhere, we just can't see it because it's in the carpet and the padding beneath. Squish squish squish everywhere as we we walk around. Now we're starting to panic.

After I get most of the heavy lifting out the way it's time to head out and find a new sump pump. There's only three immediate ways out of my suburban white subdivision (ok it's like 20% Indian), two of them are flooded. The 2009 Toyota Camry is not known for it's river fording abilities, so I keep lacing around till I find a path to get out. Most of the stores in our area are on Route 59. I can't get there. every route to Rt. 59 is flooded out. I bail on that plan and head west to Oswego. Home Depot is out of sump pumps, so I head to Menards. I fucking hate Menards. I run into no less than 4 neighbors at Menards (fuck Menards). One of which helps me out buying some $300 emergency pump (not a sump pump) and a bunch of PVC bullshit.

As I'm leaving Menards (fuck Menards) my neighbor tells me that he started chatting up some dude who's a plumbing contractor and he's going to bring a van load of sump pumps back to the parking lot in an hour. YES! I buy all $350 worth of pump and pvc from Menards (just in case) (fuck Menards), and head to the ATM and Burger King. I'm starving.

An hour later I'm sitting in the Menards (fuck Menards) parking lot sipping Starbucks coffee and the contractor guy pulls up in his van. I proceed to overpay for some shitty sump pump from the back of a van. It looks like the exact same model that ran for the past several years in our house, so to hell with it. I've got my new sump pump, so I go back into Menards (fuck Menards) and return all the bullshit I just bought. I come home to install the new sump pump and that's like a 10 minute job. So now I'm actually even angrier that a 10 minute job I'd been putting off for years is now my worst nightmare.

Now, all the shit is out of the basement and the new pump is installed. The pump is awesome immediately clears the sump well and so I start push-brooming water into the well. Next comes the fun part. Time to pull up the carpeting and remove the padding. The carpet padding is basically a big ass sponge spread out over our basement floor. It's SOPPING WET. I roll it up into convenient little duct-taped bundles and carry it upstairs. I don't know if I can describe this well enough to give you the full experience. I'm hugging a water logged sponge that weighs as much as a German Shepherd. I have to carry it up the stairs, out the front door, and down the driveway to the curb. This must be done as fast as possible to minimize the amount of water all over the stairs and floor. After two of these I'm absolutely soaked. By this point I'm only in simple white T-shirt under my normal clothes and the jeans I'd intended to go to work in. It's like some filthy wet T-shirt contest for my neighbors now. I'm soaked from my chest to my boots. I do this like 14 more times.

I'm tired of typing, time to summarize. After all this shit I head to Sears. I buy $75 worth of box fans (three 20" fans) and a $200 dehumidifier. The carpet is laid over a shit load of 2x4s  while we try to air it all out. Oh, somewhere in there I went to Dominick's and rented their last Rug Doctor to suck all the water out of the carpet. We were doing that the whole time too.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm currently on a mission to drink the pain away. Oh by the way, I could go out and commit a shitload of crimes and get away with it. Why? Because I have no goddamn fingerprints. Did you know that the underside of your carpet is like 40 grit sandpaper?

Anyway, moral of the story is this. If you have a sump pump in your place GO CHECK THE DAMN THING NOW!!!!!111oneone